Registry Open for Secret Keeping 101 Jun08


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Registry Open for Secret Keeping 101

Image by vu3kkm / Adobe Stock.

This course is required for all students enrolled in the Fundamentals of Superpowers program. Whether you want to dominate the world or stop someone else from ruling it, these skills are key to your success. (Note: If you’re looking for the “superhero only” track, we suggest you apply to that school in Westchester or go back for remedial instruction at Sky High.)

Course Modules

Part 1: Secret Identity

Have you ever wondered why superheroes try so hard to maintain a secret identity? Guest lecturer Chuck Bartowski will go over the pros and cons, with special emphasis on protecting your family and how to deal with all your relatives turning out to be spies.

If you insist on a secret identity, we will devote two class sessions to how to sneak away from a hostage situation so you can put on your superhero costume (or whatever) to save your friends.

Part 2: Not-So-Secret-Identity

Sometimes everybody thinks they’re keeping your secret from everyone else, and you just have to go along with it. Buffy Summers will guest lecture on her experience of winning the “Class Protector” award and how to misdirect outsiders who ask about the obituaries section in the school newspaper.

We’ll analyze various techniques, including “hiding in plain sight” (e.g. the super-secret black SUVs with Torchwood written on the front), “wearing glasses,” and “hopefully no one notices I’m suddenly buff.”

Part 3: Secret Facilities

Common locations include rundown warehouses, abandoned amusement parks, and spacious sewers. Wealthier aspiring supers may opt for more elaborate facilities such as corporate towers, underwater domes, or volcano bases. We will discuss specialty realtors and contractors who can assist in this endeavor and how to clean up your tracks.

Lectures will contrast the new Avengers base (not secret) with Dr. Evil’s lair (very secret) and Skullcrusher Mountain (very, very secret – in fact so secret we might have to kill all of you after you learn about it.)

Part 4: Secret Information

Special emphasis on misdirection techniques including convincing civilians that they saw swamp gas or a weather balloon. Advanced encryption including not using your child’s name as a system password, not putting essential files on an easily stolen USB device, and not hiding them in plain sight.

Final Exam

At the beginning of the course, you will be given a top-secret government file and warned the person you love most will be in great danger if it gets out. If it’s still a secret by the end of the course, you’ll be awarded 2 credits towards your degree. Releasing information on purpose for monetary gain is likely to put you on the villain track and automatic enrollment in Villainy 105: Minion Management.

Refund Policy

Tuition may or may not be refunded after the first day of class. We can’t tell you for sure—it’s a secret.

Kevin Cummings

Kevin Cummings

Contributing Writer at Area of Effect
Kevin grew up reading the ABCs—Asimov, Bradbury and Clarke. Since then he's expanded his fandoms to include films, television, web series and any other geek property he can find.

He has been married to an extraordinarily patient woman for more than three decades and they have two adult sons. Kevin also has entirely too many DVD boxes with the words "Complete Series" on the cover. He enjoys exploring themes of faith through his fandoms.
Kevin Cummings

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