7 Reasons Handsome Jack is the Perfect Hero Sep09

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7 Reasons Handsome Jack is the Perfect Hero

Screenshot from Borderlands 2.
“See, I can’t just have some psychopathic murderers getting to the Vault before I do. Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute that you all think you’re the heroes of this little adventure, but—you’re not. You’re bandits. You’re the bad guys. And I… am the hero.”

You might notice there are eight things on this list. That’s the kind of guy Jack is.

1. He’s generous.
“If you bring me word of Lilith, I will pay you enough money to build a mansion, made of other, smaller mansions.”

2. He has a majestic mount.
“I just got a pony made of diamonds, I think I’ll call it butt stallion.”

3. He knows big words.
“Be honest with yourself, kid. Do you really think you can stop me? I knew you were gonna go for Roland. I am smarter than you. I don’t mean to condescend, that’s just a fact. ‘Condescend’ is a word that means ‘talk down to.’ You got that, kitten?”

4. He always wins.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Was that your shields that just went down? So you knew that I knew, you were going for the power core—and you just plugged it in? Even for you guys, that’s pretty—ah, man, that’s pretty stupid… I told you, I always win.”

5. He cares about the little guy.
“I just came back from rescuing the Space Vixens of Eden-6, and thought I’d check in with my number one fan. Hey, Justin, why the long face?”

6. He has statues.
“Go ahead. Knock the last one down. I’ve already got a great idea for a new statue. It’s just gonna be me, kicking you in the junk. I’m gonna commission like fifteen of those [things] and put them everywhere!”

7. He’s all about teaching.
(Taking out his pocketwatch, sighing) “Mister Tassiter, do you know the difference between choking and strangulation?”

8. He cares about family.
“I need your help. I know—”argh, trap, don’t listen”—but it’s about my grandma. I built her a cottage out in the Eridium Blight, and I need you to check on her, make sure everything’s as it should be. Don’t do it for me; do it for her.”

Dustin Schellenberg

Dustin Schellenberg

Staff Writer at Area of Effect
Dustin spends his time exploring the far reaches of space, understand the ancient ways of might and magic, and wandering the post-apocalyptic wastes. If it has a reasonably open world, a crafting system and some way to sneak around, he'll be there. When not gaming, he's probably planning his next D&D character (because his DM keeps killing off the old ones). He is a competent bass player and guitarist, mediocre mid laner and outright awful FPS player. He is father of two, husband of one, a sometimes theologian, and all-times pastor of Crestview Park Free Methodist Church in Winnipeg, MB.
Dustin Schellenberg

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